A version of this list appears in my collection Everyone Else is Wrong (And You Know It): Criticism/Humor/Non-Fiction. Click the link to purchase the hardcover or paperback edition along with some of my other published work.
This list runs the gamut from unnecessary remakes of movies that weren't all that good to start with (Ocean's Eleven) to remakes of masterpieces that make a mockery of the original (The Jazz Singer) to the mundane and humdrum. We live in an age of continual reboots and remakes and to get into some of the newer flicks would be disingenuous of me as I no longer go to see remakes (or many movies at all). Still, it is interesting that my original list includes so much from the late-'90s and early-00's. Perhaps this was the time this madness began, but there were also original and innovative movies during that time period making the films on this list that much worse.
Please like this post and, in the comments, include the films from 2010 to the present that should be on this list. As with the last three posts, below I give explanations which do not appear in my above-mentioned book. Happy reading?
10. Ocean's Eleven–(2001)
I'm rather vocal about my hatred of filmmaker Steven Soderbergh, a prolific director with maybe a handful of watchable films (among them Magic Mike, Erin Brockovich, and the film version of Spalding Gray's monologue Gray's Anatomy), his films range from unwatchable (Full Frontal) to empty-headed Oscar-bait (Traffic). This one goes in the empty-headed category. While the cast is impressive, one wonders why one needed to dust off the dreadful 1960 Rat Pack heist film in the first place. While successful, with two follow-up films (also directed by Soderbergh) and an all-female reboot that serves as an example for why such endeavors never work, there is nothing to the movie except a suave George Clooney and a fair performance from Brad Pitt. I guess that's all most people want most of the time.
9. The Truth about Charlie–(2002)
While I have personally never been a fan of Cary Grant and Audrey Hepburn's Charade, it is beloved by many film buffs. Needless to say, Mark Wahlberg and Thandie Newton (as wonderful as they are) are no comparison to the Hollywood legends who led the original. Another tepid film by the once-talented Jonathan Demme (The Silence of the Lambs), the real truth about Charlie is it's a dud.
8. The Jazz Singer–(1980)
While making a profit, this 1980 update of the first "talkie" The Jazz Singer is well known as one of the most misguided remakes ever attempted. Neil Diamond, as a songwriter, is the poet of loneliness. As a performer, he is an original with no parallel (it grieves me he is mostly unable to sing due to Parkinson's disease). As an actor–well, let the movie speak for itself. Overblown, with plenty of misused actors (including Sir Laurence Olivier), The Jazz Singer is mostly known for the song "America" which, admittedly, is not Diamond at his best.
7. Alfie–(2004)
1966's Alfie brough Michael Caine international fame. The 2004 remake (a curious choice even then) would be most unwelcome in today's world. Not just for its poor quality, but for its Casanova-lite lead character. Jude Law is always fun to watch–he is a great actor–but only with the right material. Thankfully, he has made more brilliant films than stinkers.
6. Last Holiday–(2006)
While the original 1950 British film was no great work of art, Last Holiday is perhaps the dumbest film on this list. While it has an impressive cast, you might just wish this upcoming Labor Day would be your last holiday if you were forced to sit through it. A grating mixture of slapstick, unfunny dialogue, and melodrama, it brings nothing to the table of interest except how far your eyes can roll to the back of your head.
5. You've Got Mail–(1998)
While Nora Ephron has been much praised after her death, her films are professional, but wearisome. Indiscriminate fans of rom-coms will hate me for including this on the list, but I've seen Sleepless in Seattle. I enjoyed Sleepless in Seattle. You've Got Mail, you're no Sleepless in Seattle. If it weren't crass enough, the fact that it's a remake of the wonderful, charming, tender James Stewart film The Shop around the Corner makes it all the more miserable.
4. The Lake House–(2006)
Written by playwright/screenwriter David Auburn (Proof), this is another in his incredibly bad filmography (including contributing the story for the 2019 remake of Charlie's Angels). A remake of the South Korean film Il Mare, it is utterably unwatchable. While Reeves is a actor of limited talent, Sandra Bullock is not and it is a shame to see her in this murky time-bending tale that's only effect on time is having you consistently check how much longer it could possibly be–perhaps the longest 99 minutes you'll ever sit through.
3. Flubber–(1997)
Incredibly, 1997 saw Robin Williams give a performance in Good Will Hunting that would win him the Academy Award and starring in this kinetic and busy remake of Disney's The Absent-Minded Professor. No one will call the original a masterpiece–most of the early Disney live-action films are incredibly boring. The old-fashioned visual effects are replaced with CGI (and not in its heyday) and the comedy is almost non-existent. After this, Williams' career veered off into milquetoast dramadies not worthy of him–a shame for a personality so beloved and talented.
2. Vanilla Sky–(2001)
This remake of Alejandro Amenábar's Open Your Eyes gives the word "pretentious" new, deeper meaning. Directed by Cameron Crowe (best in his early years) and starring Tom Cruise and a wasted Penélope Cruz is remarkable only in its way of wasting the viewer's time with whisps of half-thought-out ideas and a fleeting attempt at something philosophical among the debris.
1. Planet of the Apes–(2001)
While we all have high expectations for Beetlejuice Beetlejuice, in my opinion Tim Burton's great creative period ended with 1999's Sleepy Hollow. Everything since has been a lot of garbage beginning with his remake of 1968's Planet of the Apes based on the 1963 Pierre Boulle novel. A garbled embarrassment from a director with no flair for action/adventure, this cumbersome and laughable remake deserves the top spot although the original was campy. But, hey, at least it's watchable.
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