One of my favorite books growing up was Leonard Maltin’s Movie Guide. Maltin is a highly influential film critic for writing only capsule reviews. The Movie Guide gave each film (literally every film released from the 1930s until 2014) maybe a sentence or two and a star rating. And, yet, before software like Cinemania or websites like IMDb, Maltin was the go-to guy for what came out when and often gave dead-on reviews with his infamous brevity.
Perhaps it was books like Maltin’s that first sent me to the movies in 1994 with a little notepad where I started jotting down notes during pictures and awarding my first star reviews, perhaps preparing for my own life as a film critic. Some of the movies I would have “reviewed” that year would have been Jim Carrey’s first three movies, Forrest Gump, and others. I rarely gave bad reviews back then. I loved movies and, until recently, that was a life-time love. (We're kind of in a rotten age now, aren't we?)
At any rate, Maltin included a list in the back of his guide of what he considered the essential movies from each decade. Nearly every decade had a bevy of pictures Maltin felt were quintessential movie experiences. However, I was always struck by his section on films from the 1980s.
He picked two. Just two: Raging Bull and E. T: The Extra-Terrestrial. That’s it.
Now, you and I both know that there were many more important, deserving ‘80s pictures that should be on that list, but it did get me thinking as to why so many ‘80s films fell off his radar (and regularly fall off mine). Perhaps it was because it was the age of fantasies, sequels, and materialism. The moneymen had officially taken over the film business, sending most of the great directors of the ‘70s packing.
And while many a great picture was made in the ‘80s, there seems to be one year in particular that keeps cropping up when I think about years with a larger-than-usual share of awful, awful movies. I’m not sure why 1987 was such a bad year but looking over the list of major American releases, it’s hard to think of a worse year for movies.
Below, I make my case for why 1987 represented a dearth of quality, ideas, and output from Tinseltown. Now some of these movies on this list I actually like, but that is the result more of my nostalgia because some of the “comedies” referenced below could conceivably be funny to a kid (and were to me). But I include them here anyway because critical and audience consensus take the front seat to my personal views and even I must admit—they’re bad-good, or good-bad, or craptastic, to coin a word.
I’ve sorted the movies below according to general themes. If there’s a worse year for motion pictures, please comment below and tell me I’ve got it wrong. But take a read first and see if I can convince you.
How the Mighty Have Fallen
The ‘80s were not a great time for artists who had already established themselves as major players. As Steven Spielberg and George Lucas dominated the decade, many of the more serious directors of the ‘70s had an awful time. Their downbeat sensibilities did not jive well with the times and some of the worst work from some of the biggest names of the ‘70s—Martin Scorsese included—emerged from this decade. However, 1987 gives us some of the worst from some of the best.
Gardens of Stone
Francis Ford Coppola ended the 1970s with one of the most ambitious Hollywood pictures ever, Apocalypse Now. But its waxing budget and bordering-on-pretentious ending rubbed some people the wrong way. He would never make a great movie again and, beginning with One from the Heart, he became persona-non-grata in Hollywood. By ’87, he gave us Gardens of Stone, returning to Vietnam with fewer ideas than before. Based on Nicholas Proffitt’s novel, Gardens saw Coppola turn treaclier (a path he was already squarely on). It is one thing for Coppola to make a smaller (even a more small-minded) movie than Apocalypse. It’s quite another to make a slight movie about a subject he had tackled with aplomb. Grossing a little over $5 million on a $13 million budget, the film stars James Caan (in the rough years).
Ishtar
At one point, Elaine May was the most important female director in Hollywood. From her terrific debut with A New Leaf, she brought an entirely different sensibility to her films and, though she never rivaled her former partner Mike Nichols’ forays, she made decent, very funny pictures. Ishtar gets a lot of hate for good reasons. It is not a bad film, but it was cringe comedy before that was really a thing given the lead characters are a pair of the worst singer-songwriters in history. Like many since ’87, I have reevaluated Ishtar and find it rather bemusing, but there are still moments painful to watch.
The Witches of Eastwick
Australian director George Miller had given us the first three Mad Max movies by the time he turned to John Updike’s novel The Witches of Eastwick. The result was a badly shot, badly edited, and awkwardly acted movie whose one saving grace might be John William’s score. A witches’ brew lacking the proper potions. Rather than share the poster, I share some of Mr. Williams' glorious music.
Spaceballs
You may scoff, but for my money, Mel Brooks made only two great movies: The Producers and Blazing Saddles. Even by the time he made Young Frankenstein, what had been zippy, fast-paced comedy turned snail-paced. While a loving parody of the original, his attempt at the Universal horror film homage slowed his pacing down to a crawl. Now there is nothing wrong with slow-burning comedies. But they require comedy that works at that pace. By the time you get to the next joke in Frankenstein, not only have you seen it coming a mile away, but the result is the same tired schtick as the last gag. Slow-burning comedies require depth and that is not Brooks’ strong suit. The real problem with Spaceballs is its timing. Made far too many years after the original Star Wars trilogy ended, if you tightened up Spaceballs to only it’s funny bits (and cut out all the slow setups), it would (and probably should’ve) lasted thirty minutes, maybe twenty.
The Sicilian
Michael Cimino might be the sole reason the ‘80s turned on directors. As marvelous as Heaven’s Gate was, the time he took and the money he spent made every producer worried in Hollywood that directors head had gotten too big. He still worked in the ‘80s, but in making this prequel to the Godfather movies, his film was once again taken from him by worried producers and the result of the original release was a dimly lit, weirdly turgid picture, though it should be said his “director’s cut” is light-years better, but that wasn’t what was shown in good old 1987.
Empire of the Sun
Spielberg was the unbeatable director in the ‘80s. His movies made more money than anyone else, but there were some odd choices in that decade, most especially The Color Purple (a low-grade, schmaltzy picture from a much darker novel) and Empire of the Sun, a J. G. Ballard adaptation that never pulls together despite an engaging performance by a young Christian Bale.
O. C. and Stiggs
Perhaps no director of the ‘70s fell to such low depths in the ‘80s as Robert Altman. He spent the decade largely on low-budget adaptations of stage plays (which had already fallen out of favor as Hollywood properties by that time). But even though he tackled and subverted many genres in his career, the “Altman teen comedy” was an uninspired choice with choppy results. Although shot in 1984, his adaptation of stories from National Lampoon magazine was shelved by the studio until, you guessed it—1987, when it was quietly released to no fan-fare.
Beyond Therapy
One of Altman’s stage adaptations, his version of Christopher Durang’s play Beyond Therapy, is considered one of his worst films. If you stick with it, there is a bit of madcap fun that can be had, but it is still edited in a bizarre fashion and it wastes its perfect cast on a script that belonged as a television movie instead. Altman was at his best with large casts. Therapy is an intimate play with only a few characters. Instead of focusing on them, he allows his camera to spend a criminal amount of time on odd-looking extras who distract from any of the actual goings-on. But Durang’s play (as Maltin pointed out) doesn’t say much: therapists can be as crazy as their patients. Revolutionary.
The Low-Concept Picture
Mannequin
There’s not much to say with a movie where a mannequin comes to life. Except, perhaps, that it’s one of the dumbest ideas ever committed to celluloid.
Over the Top
Sylvester Stallone, when out of his action film wheelhouse, is almost unwatchable. The concept of a movie about arm wrestling would have only seemed like a good idea to the schlockmeisters Golan-Globus, who ran Cannon Films into the ground in the ‘80s by raising money for a few pictures and spending it on dozens of other low-budget messes.
The Lost Boys
Many have affection for this film and its rag-tag cast of brat-packers, but Joel Schumacher never did get his act together as a filmmaker. A former fashion designer, his pictures almost always lack any true depth and, in a way, he embodies the era of the 1980s with its sheen, facileness, and glam (read: no meat).
Maid to Order
A low-brow version of Cinderella with a second-rate cast.
Can’t Buy Me Love
My sister-in-law would kill me for saying this, but the best thing about this Patrick Dempsey vehicle is its title, which reminds you of much better artistic endeavors.
Three Men and a Baby
Disney diversified its live-action movies through Touchstone Pictures in the ‘80s. The films are almost uniformly vapid, from Splash to Down and Out in Beverly Hills. The three men of this film are three actors who never rose to the occasion of being movie stars, though a couple worked well on television. This movie made a ton of money, but we only remember it for the scene where the baby pees on them. Ah, the memories.
Overboard
Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn are a winning team, but Garry Marshall is another guy from television who never rose above his roots.
Abysmal Sequels
Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol
Yep, this is one of those I mentioned above that I really loved as a kid. The Police Academy movies were a financial juggernaut in the ‘80s. Nearly one movie a year, cheaply made, always made a profit (until #6), but this one brought out the ire of every critic in the country: a rare 0% rating on Rotten Tomatoes is what we’re left with today. I think what saves the movie is the soundtrack, which drew on hip-hop, and its interest in skateboarding, featuring a young Tony Hawk as an extra.
Beverly Hills Cop II
Beverly Hills Cop caught lightning in a bottle. Eddie Murphy proved himself to be a box office draw, but with each succeeding sequel, the axels came off the wheels.
Benji the Hunted
I think I remember liking this one too (who wouldn’t like Benji?) But I include it here mostly because of the hilarious moment on Siskel and Ebert where Gene gave Roger a ribbing about not only liking this picture but giving it a thumbs-up.
Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise
I’m not saying Revenge of the Nerds was a great picture. But, when they went to the beach, somehow the ugliness of the whole adventure was too much in the sun, exposing its stupidity for all to see. I don’t know if the idea of doing a sequel that automatically re-sets the characters on a beach started in the ‘80s, but it’s a horrible trend.
Jaws: The Revenge
The fourth time the shark was killed, this is the definition of a bad sequel. The shark, or maybe one of its relatives, is haunting the widow of Ray Scheider’s character from the first film. Made largely as a vehicle for the wife of the head of the film studio, Jaws 4 defies any logic, surprise, and is un-saved by the appearance of Michael Caine, emerging from the water at one point entirely dry.
Superman IV: The Quest for Peace
No, perhaps this is the definition of a bad sequel. Another from the minds of Golan-Globus, they promised Christoper Reeve the sun and moon with this picture and started cutting costs immediately, leaving a piece-meal movie with a beyond-stupid story and, once again, a wasted cast.
The Living Daylights
Everyone beats up on George Lazenby as the worst James Bond, but the two paltry entries in the ‘80s from Timothy Dalton rival him. Dalton’s Bond might only work as a magazine advertisement. Perhaps he can hold a martini and keep his mouth shut?
Teen Wolf Too
Poor Jason Bateman. At least he proves you a movie can’t kill your career, even though that career wasn’t resurrected until the 21st century on TV.
Death Wish 4: The Crackdown
The Death Wish series has always been controversial due to its advocating of vigilante justice, but the first one at least came from a genuine place of exasperation about the violent world we live in. As the series went on, it turned self-parody into an art form. Another Golan-Globus masterpiece.
Attempts at Comedy
Ernest Goes to Camp
Okay, I have to be careful here, because I grew up on Ernest P. Worrell—he was a big part of my childhood as I’m sure he was to you if you grew up in the ‘90s. But, for his first-time film venture, he delivered a stinker (though with one good song—yes, it’s a musical!) and the entire film series might be totally forgotten except that he did save Christmas one time, and that’s pretty cool. KnowhutImean?
Harry and the Hendersons
An E. T. knockoff that makes for no more than a Saturday afternoon babysitter for dim eight-year-olds.
Throw Momma from the Train
Danny DeVito has been an occasional film director and, apparently, no one ever stopped letting him make movies. His Death to Smoochy maybe one of the worst of all time but Throw Momma from the Train is a mean-spirited mess. It would seem DeVito would soar in black comedy, but the blackness of his movies always overshadows any of the funny.
Leonard Part 6
One of the well-acknowledge worst movies ever made and the sorriest vehicle for a major star ever assembled, Bill Cosby’s big foray into movies was dismissed by him even when he was supposed to be promoting it. Leonard is a good reminder that the movie studios began to be managed by corporations in the ‘80s and a particularly crude product placement shows us where the time was on the clock-hands.
Weird Adaptations
Dragnet
The initial film that gave me the idea for this list. I remember Dad taking me to see this in the theaters because I loved watching Dragnet on Nick at Nite back in the day. I turned to him during the movie and I said, “This is supposed to be a comedy?” What I meant was: Dragnet, though campy, was a serious show. The 1987 Dragnet is the first film I can recall that more spoofed its source material than adapted it. My father laughed at my joke for a different reason than what I meant however: he was laughing because the movie is almost astonishingly unfunny.
R. O. T. O. R.
Not an adaptation per se, but certainly a rip-off of The Terminator and RoboCop which provided many hilarious moments for the boys at RiffTrax to tear apart. A B movie among B movies, R. O. T. O. R. deserves to be up there with The Room, Troll 2, and other abominations that bring a smile.
Masters of the Universe
He-Man was a ubiquitous character in the ‘80s and He-Man and the Masters of the Universe was the first cartoon based on a toy-line. So, you can either consider that kitschy and fun or consider it the nadir of culture. Either way, the movie version certainly stunk. The barely-audible Dolph Lundgren makes for a great-looking He-Man, but the rest of the movie—made up of a teen dramedy—makes for a cheap and unappealing adventure comedy.
The Garbage Pail Kids Movie
The ‘80s gave us the first film adaptation of a board game and, as far as I can tell, the first film based on a pack of trading cards. This gross-out, ugly flop might appeal to one type of child, the type who might be ready for a psychopathy diagnosis.
Less Than Zero
Less Than Zero was a hailed as The Catcher in the Rye for the ‘80s, but on its own, it’s a weirdly affecting coming-of-age novel with zero Novocain, but a gigantic horse-dose of nihilism. The likelihood of it being turned into any kind of competent film in the ‘80s was really less than zero because if they had made a faithful adaptation, the film would have been too hard to watch for the cinema denizens of the decade. Instead, a music video director took the helm and shot one great actor (Robert Downey, Jr.) plus a host of blank-faced, monotoned brat-packers doing the after-school-special version of the novel. It’s not the worst movie ever made, but maybe the one that aimed the lowest for material that shot much higher.
The Odd, the Bad, and the Ugly
Back to the Beach
The ‘70s were full of ‘50s nostalgia and there was an attempt to bring some early ‘60s nostalgia into the 1980s with Grease 2 and a few musical films like this one that reunites the Beach Blanket Bingo crowd into a middle-aged blanket bingo party. Watching Frankie Avalon and Annette Funicello onscreen again can be charming, but what is on display is not the early ‘60s, but the mauve-infected, sun-dried pastel, big-haired ‘80s, giving the shag carpet of the ‘70s a run for its money in the ugly department.
Miami Connection
An ugly mess of a martial arts movie, Miami Connection is another B-movie roasted by the RiffTrax guys. Listening to those commentaries are the only way to even sit through some of the baddest of the Bs that were released in the ‘80s.
From the Hip
David E. Kelley has been built up and brought down by almost every TV executive. Sometimes, his work shines and other times it flops. But he is endlessly prolific, having written the bulk of his series himself. His movie career has been a joyless affair and it began with his screenplay for From the Hip, a show-offy legal comedy that gave Judd Nelson one his few solo attempts at carrying a picture. It has its moments, but the hip largely needs replaced.
Attempts at Drama
No Way Out
Kevin Costner is a hit-or-miss kinda guy. Sometimes, you have a Dances with Wolves or Open Range kind of year. And sometimes, you sleep through what could have been an engaging thriller. No Way Out has everything an ‘80s movie excels at: latent, bored sexuality, style without substance, and another painful performance from Sean Young.
Tough Guys Don’t Dance
Norman Mailer may very well have been an influential writer of prose, but his (largely) experimental films are a waste of everyone’s time. Tough Guys was supposed to be his more commercial picture. The result is one of the more famous internet memes, of Ryan O’Neal (in the lean times) giving melodrama a new kind of bravura.
So, is it proven? Am I wrong? If I’m wrong, there is certainly something wrong with 1987. A lack of taste in design, poor choices of material, dismal execution of dead ideas. Was it something in the zeitgeist? Were we complacent, bored? Were we the kind of people who have everything we need and yet still expect a Christmas present? I can’t be sure, but, again, if you can think of a year with more bad movies, comment below.
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